This book discusses Adlerian psychology in the form of dialogues, which is quite easy to read and absorb. The dialogues are very vernacular, but I like them. I'd like to mention a few of my favorite lines here.
"The inferiority complex that torments us is a subjective explanation" is a concept that I have heard a long time ago, but I have only recently begun to feel it more. Since I started working in a new stage, I have become less certain about many things and I often have thoughts that torment me. In fact, I don't think the term "inferiority complex" is a very accurate translation. My interpretation of this phrase is that it describes a feeling of dissatisfaction with oneself. Later in the book, it is said that "a healthy sense of inferiority comes from comparing oneself with one's ideal self". In fact, it is normal to be dissatisfied with oneself, and our goal is not to eliminate this feeling, but to face it with a healthy mind. It is also important to have a reasonable understanding of our ideal self.
"What meaning to give to the past is the question for you now." We often think about what happened in the past, perhaps labeling it as something we are not happy with. But how we actually interpret what happened can change the way we see ourselves and the way we see things.
I also talk about how to get along with other people, "When the other person starts a power struggle, don't dance to it," and "Being sure that 'you are right' is connected to the idea that 'this person is wrong' and it becomes a battle of 'I have to win over him'. It's a power struggle." This is a psychological trap that I often fall into by accident, because I often have my own preconceived notions of things, and my engineer's mind often wants to fight for right and wrong. "If you think you're right, that's where you should end up, no matter what other people's opinions are. But most people get into power struggles, trying to get the other person to give in, so that 'admitting one's own mistakes' becomes 'admitting one's own failures. If we are obsessed with right and wrong, it is very easy for us to accidentally leave the judgment of right and wrong and enter into a struggle for victory and defeat. It is only when we do not enter into such a state of competition that we can reasonably get along with others. "The so-called pursuit of excellence is not realized through competition with others."
"Treating others as partners and feeling 'a sense of belonging' is called 'social consciousness'". As long as we are in an environment with other people, we need to have a certain degree of belonging in order to feel psychologically secure. The problem is, how to get this feeling? One of the disturbances is that people may be so eager to gain a sense of belonging that they become calculating instead.
"Don't think, "What will this man give me?" but rather, "What can I give to this person?" That's participating in the community." In fact, the key to achieving balance in social coexistence comes from one's own perception of one's own behavior in the community. "It's not about getting 'good' comments from others, it's about the subjective perception of 'I'm contributing to others'. It is only through this that we can actually feel our own value. The 'social consciousness' or 'encouragement' that we have been discussing so far is also related to this."
People may be accustomed to so-called vertical relationships, that is, up-and-down relationships, such as seniors and juniors, bosses and subordinates. In order to break away from the vertical relationship, which is a desperate attempt to gain recognition, the book suggests that we should build horizontal relationships with all people, which means that everyone is essentially a partner and an equal. "The important thing is to be consciously equal, and to stand up for ourselves where we have to stand up for ourselves, and to be open and honest."
Finally, on the subject of separation, this is a bit deeper. Anyone with a certain amount of social experience has probably had the experience of being lied to and so on, and perhaps even started to be suspicious of people, which is actually quite painful. What should we do? "In order to be 'secure', one has to treat others as partners, and in order to treat others as partners, one has to accept oneself and trust them." "It is not for you to decide whether to betray or not to betray, that is a matter for others. You just have to think about what you want to do." Unconditional trust in others is encouraged, but there is a proviso: "The so-called 'unconditional trust' is just a means to improve relationships and build horizontal relationships. If you don't want to maintain a good relationship with the other person, it's okay to cut them off with a pair of scissors."
The ultimate conclusion can be summarized in a single sentence. "Happiness is a sense of contribution." I think it makes a lot of sense, but it's easier said than done. How can we balance the sense of contribution with the persistence of horizontal relationships? I've been thinking about this over the past couple of days, and I'm still finding it rather difficult to realize. The mental adjustment of balancing various principles is a very profound subject.
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